There is no easy way to introduce this blog post. It’s 4:30am and it’s bank holiday Easter and I’m in no celebrating mood. Read the title. Enough said.
1. “People understand”: ohhh do ya now? People like to use the term understand to articulate their own meanings. “I understand you’re going through a hard time” “I understand that you’re upset right now” really? Do you actually understand or do you just know that I’m dealing with this and have every right to be upset. Because I don’t think you really understand. Not even if you’re going through the same thing or have had something similar happen. Grief and loss is very personal to an individual, but thanks for the wisdom that y’all understand mate.
2; People expect you to get over it: it’s been two months – oh of course, you should totally be fine now. Let’s all have a laugh and a joke like we’ve got no care in the world. Nah that’s okay. Life is shit and I’m going to stay this way for a while because there is a fucking hole in my heart where someone special has been ripped from me and this world 🙃 so yes. I think there will be many many days to come where I’m not rainbow and sunshine so gimme a fucking break.
3. People can be so optimistic it hurts. Obviously nobody wants to be sad forever. Time heals all wounds and all that crap but I personally don’t want to hear about how I will not always feel this way. That doesn’t help right now. Nothing helps right now. Just have to take it one day at a time and I’d rather do it in peace. So if you want to be there for me personally… please just sit there and say nothing.
4. People have no filter. Literally. That or people are so ignorant that they just sprout shit that comes out of their mouth without thinking and it makes you so mad because they aren’t even aware of what they’re saying, because obviously you and your problems are not the centre of attention which is fine but people should actually consider what they say and who they say it to. This leads onto my next and biggest point actually quite rightly:
5. Peoples lives go on. And this is one of the most brutally hurtful truths about grief and loss. Of course people will be there for you, but their lives will continue. And good things will happen to others, fun times and adventures to be had, and you will be left feeling like the world is just crapping on you left right and centre. But the unfortunate thing is, nobody will feel your grief, except for you. You can share your feelings with others but they won’t truly understand. They can’t. It’s impossible… and it really really hurts.
In short, I’m going to be selfish for a while. I don’t give two shits about the good things happening in your life right now because my life is in pieces 🤷♀️ Be patient with me. “I won’t always feel this way” But I think I deserve some time.
And thus concludes my ideology that we as a human race are actually really fricking selfish and death is the devil and life is so very cruel. The end.
Noun a feeling of worry, nervousness, or unease about something with an uncertain outcome
If I were to unpick that definition, I could tell you, broadly, it’s spot on.
Now, I can’t talk for anyone else who suffers with an anxiety disorder because everyone who suffers has different triggers and there are just so many different categories of anxiety; you’ve got OCD, GAD, Specific phobias, panic disorders, post-traumatic stress disorder, separation anxiety, situational anxiety, social anxiety… there is a whole load of anxiety disorders that can be listed and maybe even some that have not been categorised yet.
I personally don’t fall into one particular category. My anxiety has been caused by several different life events leading up to here and now. One reoccurring factor though, is this life-altering thing we all experience at least once in our lifetime, this is a term known as grief.
Merry Christmas Eve my lovelies, or you know, in exactly 40 minutes (at the time of writing this) MERRY CHRISTMAS ONE AND ALL.
Firstly, I have to apologise for the lack of #ChristmasCountdown posts this week. I’ve missed Thursday, Friday and technically today. I was so intent on getting these posts out no matter what but, this week was just a little too busy for me.
The lowdown, Thursday was my last day of work before Christmas so I was in a rush to get things done ready to set my out of office on. Friday, Conner returned from America so we went to pick him up at the airport and the rest of the day passed in a blur. Today has been gearing up ready for the festive day of tomorrow so it’s all just been a little hectic, and on top of that, my mood has been a little blue. Okay I lie. It’s been quite blue, practically black.
June 19th 2016. Father’s Day. The day of honouring fathers, celebrating fatherhood, parental bonds and the influence of Fathers everywhere.
I was only made aware of Father’s Day this year by someone coming into work a few weeks ago asking me the good old question ‘when’s father’s day this year?’
I looked at him and cocked my head to the side and was a little stuck to answer because truth be told, I didn’t have a clue when Father’s Day was. I didn’t know it was rearing its ugly head again so soon. It felt like just yesterday we had the last one, so I stared at him and sort of shrugged my shoulders, ummed and ahhed and then thank god for the headsets, Dave answered my question and I was able to say ’19th June.’
And so yesterday was in fact, the 19th. I wrote this post yesterday morning, really early in the morning actually, but I never got round to posting it so I have managed to tweek it as if I wrote it today.
“Nothing gives me as much pleasure as travelling. I love getting on trains and boats and planes.” – Alan Rickman
Today, the world has been left in a state of shock and disbelief. The news broke that Alan Rickman, aged 69, has lost his fight to cancer.
Today, it is with great sadness that Alan Rickman has traveled to his final destination.
Heaven has gained another angel.
Of course, I came to know and love Alan Rickman for his amazing portrayal of the character Professor Snape from Harry Potter. There could not have been anyone cast better to bring such a unique literary hero to life.
He has touched the lives of so many individuals, that today, the world is in mourning and it is true, there are no words for such a loss.
I am writing this post in recognition of a truly great actor, an inspiring talent and a one of a kind individual.
Today I raise my wand for this wonderful human being as a thank you for reminding me that love and kindness are our greatest strengths.