Dear Diary: Pushing Out and Pulling Myself Up

Anxiety. What does that word mean to you?

The text book definition:

Noun
a feeling of worry, nervousness, or unease about something with an uncertain outcome

If I were to unpick that definition, I could tell you, broadly, it’s spot on.

Now, I can’t talk for anyone else who suffers with an anxiety disorder because everyone who suffers has different triggers and there are just so many different categories of anxiety; you’ve got OCD, GAD, Specific phobias, panic disorders, post-traumatic stress disorder, separation anxiety, situational anxiety, social anxiety… there is a whole load of anxiety disorders that can be listed and maybe even some that have not been categorised yet.

I personally don’t fall into one particular category. My anxiety has been caused by several different life events leading up to here and now. One reoccurring factor though, is this life-altering thing we all experience at least once in our lifetime, this is a term known as grief.

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Battling the blues

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Merry Christmas Eve my lovelies, or you know, in exactly 40 minutes (at the time of writing this) MERRY CHRISTMAS ONE AND ALL.

Firstly, I have to apologise for the lack of #ChristmasCountdown posts this week. I’ve missed Thursday, Friday and technically today. I was so intent on getting these posts out no matter what but, this week was just a little too busy for me.

The lowdown, Thursday was my last day of work before Christmas so I was in a rush to get things done ready to set my out of office on. Friday, Conner returned from America so we went to pick him up at the airport and the rest of the day passed in a blur. Today has been gearing up ready for the festive day of tomorrow so it’s all just been a little hectic, and on top of that, my mood has been a little blue. Okay I lie. It’s been quite blue, practically black.

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Lacking

“they are just jealous”

Is a saying I have heard many times in the past few years. yes this has been mainly from my mother as she tried to comfort me from the countless times I was bullied or for the countless times people had said mean things about me behind my back. I always respond with a laugh because I honestly don’t know what they would be jealous of because that’s were my lack of self confidence comes into the works.

I always used to think, even with all these nasty things people would say about me, that I wasn’t a jealous person, but sometimes, I can be. I think it’s human nature. But jealousy is one of those silent predictors that creep up and make you want to alienate everyone because “oh yay good for you, you’re doing so much better at life than me” and stuff.

I put myself into a funk. On the surface, I’m mad at the people I am jealous of for accomplishing something I have yet to master, for having more fun than I do, for earning so much more money… Yeah I’m talking about that kind of jealously. But deep down, underneath it all, I’m just a twisted ball of lacking self-confidence. And I fucking hate it. I hate myself for not being able to stand up and say “okay, well I can’t do that…yet. Let’s try again.”

Due to this lacking of self-confidence, I find it hard to pick myself up after failure. That and because I’m an anxious mess most of the time. People who are confident can’t understand how hard it is to beat this feeling of being worth so little, and people who say you just to be more confident will never understand how it’s just not that fucking simple.

Okay. Spending 20+ years of my life never gaining a sense of real achievement even though you try your best in all situations, totally going to rock my confidence levels but thanks for the tip in trying to become more confident.

I’m unsure if this post is a rant at those who try and make me feel better about myself or if it’s a post that is a rant at me for being such an idiot but either way, it sucks and I’m not dealing with it so well today.

I know I need to break out of this idea that failure isn’t the end but it’s so hard. I just don’t know how to move forward. I’m a pessimist. I will always be a pessimist. At the start of this year I made a promise to myself and others. To be more positive, to be more optimistic. And for a while, it was working.

Maybe I’m in a rut. Maybe I’m not happy with where I am right now, maybe I just need a routine change. But right now, I’m back to square one and I’m confused and angry at myself for pushing myself back.

Apologises for the grey post today bloggers.

I’m feeling grey 😦

Please stay safe, warm and happy.

Much love xo

Feeling insecure: a girl’s downfall

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Okay. Insecurity is a horrible feeling and I can’t imagine what it is like to feel it on a daily basis. The truth is, I’m not one for feeling insecure about myself – as much as I suffer with anxiety, it’s directed more towards my loved ones and the people I care most about. I’m not self-conscious or insecure when it comes to myself, but this post is a mere reflection of expression: a personal opinion whereby I’m stating that sometimes, something or more importantly, someone can make me feel insecure.

It’s a feeling I absolutely hate and so wish I could change – but then it’s like am I being hypocritical in saying I’m not insecure about myself if someone or something is making me feel this way? A question I often trouble myself with, but I like to think the answer is no. Unfortunately, no matter how confidence someone is, there is always going to be something or someone that can make them feel less… Significant is the better term. And that’s just life.

Nobody is perfect. This idea of perfection is found when you learn to love yourself no matter what your flaws are. Everyone is unique and nobody is the same. But one of the things that inspired this post I guess is this idea of seeing insecurities in other people, but the type of people that use it to their advantage to make other people feel insecure too. It’s those type of people that put me on edge.

I don’t want to judge, because everyone has a story and there are many reasons why people feel the way they do – but some people can be so wicked about it, and I don’t understand what they get out of making others uncomfortable. Does it make them feel better?

I feel so judgmental, but at the same time I really despise people who use their own insecurities to make other people feel bad. It’s like a form of bullying. But you know what, when I feel this way, I go to one of my friends and they make me feel ten times better about the situation.

So, I guess the point of this post is merely a rant, a reflection, and a conclusion that good friends and being appreciated can make you feel ten times better. Don’t worry about what other people do or say – just focus on the people who mean the most to you and are always there to help you out.

A vicious cycle of Anxiety and Insomnia

Hands up if you’ve ever had a sleepless night ✋✋

Yeah. Happens to the best of us. For some people it only happens occasionally, for others very rarely, and then for the unfortunate, it happens practically every single night. I fall into the latter category. I’ve had sleep difficulties for the past five years. Yup, it’s probably to do with some past experience I never dealt with properly blah blah queue Freud, but it is also the cause or a symptom of my anxiety too – I’m not sure which – insomnia is apparently a symptom of another disorder, but anxiety can also be caused by lack of sleep so who knows what is what, but whatever the case, It absolutely sucks all the same.

I recently got given a free course on sleepio.com, a website that has actually proven its use to help those with sleeping problems. You have to pay for the course usually – I was lucky and got onto the programme for free due to my university doing an experiment on sleep in conjunction with professors at Oxford. But this sleepio course does actual wonders.

There is a little professor and his dog Pavlov – yup if you know psychology, you’ll recognise Pavlov as the little guy who learned how to behave through classical conditioning. A technique professor sleepio uses to help you understand and reconnect your brain with sleep. Due to this course, I admit on a good occasion, I’ve managed to get a good nights sleep – the best night I’ve had in the past five years. But it doesn’t come without a price. A price that includes; a consistent sleep pattern, goals, rules and hard work. It takes time to retrain your brain, and most of the time when you’re so fucking tired you can’t be assed quite frankly. But most of the time I did what I had to.

It proved to work well enough, I do the techniques and I try the relaxation methods, but even with this under my belt, it still hasn’t fixed me completely. Of course, I’ve tried sleeping pills, they don’t work – they just make my body so heavy I feel trapped in my skin but my brain just won’t shut off. I also walk around in the morning like a zombie or like someone crashing from a drug high. It’s that bad. Sleeping pills are out.

The trouble is, I’m an overthinker. My mind goes into overdrive at night and I can’t shut it off no matter how hard I try. It’s always on the go and it hits supersonic speed at night. I think about what I did that day, I think about what I’m going to do in the morning, how I’m going to get from a to b, who I’ll talk to, who I won’t. And then the worry comes. That rush of the ocean that breaks away from the rest of my thoughts and carries me to my full induced panic mode. And I’m stuck on a rock far out to sea, crying all alone. There is nobody to save me. I’m drowning in my own thoughts.

Nothing is scarier than that.

But then morning comes and you’ve exhausted yourself so much, that as soon as day breaks, your eyes droop and you’re ready to fall into a deep needed slumber, but the alarm clock won’t let you and you have to get up. A vicious, endless cycle that never ever ends.

My advice for nights like that, to both myself and others: nap when you can, relax as much as you can, and get all your negative feelings out of your head by writing them down before you even attempt to fall asleep. It does work.

But if you are like me, you’ve most probably learned to deal with the average three to four hours sleep a night and function just well, minus the horrendous mood swings and occasional yawns throughout the day. I’m not saying that it’s a good thing, and I most definitely would love to learn to sleep better, but I’m also saying that insomnia and anxiety do not define me, they do not hinder me from doing my day to day tasks. I’m proud of myself and how I manage.

I just hope that other people can find the strength to help themselves feel proud of who they are too. You are not alone ❤️

This post was drafted at 3am and it’s now 8am and I have to dash off to an old weekend job to help out. Commitment to the blogosphere here I go!