There is no easy way to introduce this blog post. It’s 4:30am and it’s bank holiday Easter and I’m in no celebrating mood. Read the title. Enough said.
1. “People understand”: ohhh do ya now? People like to use the term understand to articulate their own meanings. “I understand you’re going through a hard time” “I understand that you’re upset right now” really? Do you actually understand or do you just know that I’m dealing with this and have every right to be upset. Because I don’t think you really understand. Not even if you’re going through the same thing or have had something similar happen. Grief and loss is very personal to an individual, but thanks for the wisdom that y’all understand mate.
2; People expect you to get over it: it’s been two months – oh of course, you should totally be fine now. Let’s all have a laugh and a joke like we’ve got no care in the world. Nah that’s okay. Life is shit and I’m going to stay this way for a while because there is a fucking hole in my heart where someone special has been ripped from me and this world 🙃 so yes. I think there will be many many days to come where I’m not rainbow and sunshine so gimme a fucking break.
3. People can be so optimistic it hurts. Obviously nobody wants to be sad forever. Time heals all wounds and all that crap but I personally don’t want to hear about how I will not always feel this way. That doesn’t help right now. Nothing helps right now. Just have to take it one day at a time and I’d rather do it in peace. So if you want to be there for me personally… please just sit there and say nothing.
4. People have no filter. Literally. That or people are so ignorant that they just sprout shit that comes out of their mouth without thinking and it makes you so mad because they aren’t even aware of what they’re saying, because obviously you and your problems are not the centre of attention which is fine but people should actually consider what they say and who they say it to. This leads onto my next and biggest point actually quite rightly:
5. Peoples lives go on. And this is one of the most brutally hurtful truths about grief and loss. Of course people will be there for you, but their lives will continue. And good things will happen to others, fun times and adventures to be had, and you will be left feeling like the world is just crapping on you left right and centre. But the unfortunate thing is, nobody will feel your grief, except for you. You can share your feelings with others but they won’t truly understand. They can’t. It’s impossible… and it really really hurts.
In short, I’m going to be selfish for a while. I don’t give two shits about the good things happening in your life right now because my life is in pieces 🤷♀️ Be patient with me. “I won’t always feel this way” But I think I deserve some time.
And thus concludes my ideology that we as a human race are actually really fricking selfish and death is the devil and life is so very cruel. The end.
So I’ll say it: I’m a sucker for listening to a soppy luveeeeeeee song, but it’s not your typical ballad-Celine Dion type stuff. Bryan Adams – Everything I Do is not on the list either. I don’t sit and wallow around and listen to sappy love songs to make me feel sad about my life. In fact, I actually really enjoy pressing play on a loveable playlist on a Friday afternoon, ready to wind down for the weekend. I also love finding new gems, quoting the lyrics and sending them to Con with the 🙊 emoji saying things like ‘LOOK AT ME. I’M CUTE. I’M THINKING OF YOU.”
A lot of the songs on this list are actually songs that make me think of Conner because you know, I’m a bit of a sucka like that – but you can just ignore that and listen to them and enjoy them and feel cute and happy about life, yeah?
Go ahead, I’ve linked each song to a youtube video (they are in no favourable order.)
Obvs some don’t even sound like love songs but *shurgs* to me they’re pretty and perfect and heartfelt. Some of the links link directly to official videos. Prepare for tears with the last two on the list.
Anyway. What songs do you really enjoy listening to, to wind down ready for the weekend?
2017 is drawing to a close v. fast. It only feels like yesterday the sun was shining and the UK was sweating with some kind of crazeeeey heatwave. However, as the year is coming to an end, I am taking some inspo off of Hannah Gale who dropped a cute post today about her favourite moments of 2017.
A lot has happened in 2017 yet it’s passed by in quite a blur. Luckily my hobby (obsession?) of taking pictures, means I’ve captured a fair number of things. So we shall start the list off.
I am the worst blogger in history. Can I even call myself a blogger? I don’t think I can. I honestly wish I could channel my dream bloggers who provide amazing content, daily, but obvs that just ain’t me, So firstly I apologise…
Secondly, HELLO DEAR FRIENDS. I would like to apologise for the lack of content, one because of the main reason above, but two, because this little bean has been busy busy busy. Aside from my 9-5 job, I’ve recently up-hauled my cosy little life in Surrey, with green grass, rivers, ducks and swans that hiss and angrily square up at me – the fact I pay bare minimum rent and have food cooked for me and have unlimited access to internet and dog pets…. to moving into a two bedroom flat IN LONDON – zone 3 but LONDON and, to top the icing on the cake, I had my first ever trip to Ikea on the Friday just gone, to buy cute Pinterest worthy furniture and cute little house plants that make for perfect Instagram snaps.
If that isn’t living the dream, I don’t know what is.
I would like to get one thing straight – although anorexia is very commonly associated with an uncontrollable urge to be thin and those suffering with this illness, are in fact, terrified of gaining weight, I would like to highlight a particular word in what I’ve just written. That is: Control.
There is a baby in the office. There is a baby in the office making gurgling noises and sweet petty cries and my ovaries are trying to burst out of my womb.
I think I’ve caught the baby fever. I’m feeling broody. I’m craving the sweet smell of a baby in my arms and I want to witness that gappy mouth and big inquisitive eyes staring at me with amazement and wonder.